Another Redundant Story

Redundancies in London

MY HUSBAND has recently been made redundant and I am worried sick. What will we do? We moved house 18 months ago, stretching ourselves to the limit at the time because it was the house of our dreams and we were in a good position financially. I can’t believe how so much can change in a relatively short time. I know my husband is worrying as he’s not sleeping well and drinking a little more than usual, which concerns me. I have tried talking to him but he brushes me aside and just says we’ll be ok. I feel very scared and alone. What can I do?

This is a very worrying time for you both, but your husband is dealing with it (or not) in his own way, which is leaving you feeling isolated. Being made redundant, particularly for men who value their role as the provider, is very hard to bear and come to terms with and my guess is he is still processing that. He is keen to brush your reservations to one side because he wants to protect you from the worry of it all and maybe can’t cope with the added worry. Reassure him that you are in this together and are there to support him as you hope he is there for you. Tell him that by not talking to you, he is shutting you out and that compounds your feelings of anxiety. Do all you can on a practical level financially to ease your situation by talking to your bank and mortgage lender. Notifying them early of your situation rather than allowing things to reach crisis point is often the best way forward.

I HAVE just found out through somebody else that my girlfriend of six months had a baby two years ago which she gave up for adoption and I had no idea. When I asked her about it, she lied at first and said it wasn’t true, but eventually she admitted it. She said she hadn’t told me because she was scared I’d think less of her. I actually do now, because of the lies. Since we began going out, I felt closer to her than anyone I have ever had a relationship with before, but one thing I must have in a relationship is honesty. I feel in real turmoil now because I don’t know if I can accept what she’s done.

In some ways you’ve realised her worst fear, and perhaps for her it’s not the first time she may have experienced rejection when she’s been honest, so she’s learned to keep quiet about it. In your case it’s not the fact that she didn’t tell you, it’s the fact that she lied about it when you confronted her, and this has sealed her fate in your eyes as a liar. She made a mistake, but perhaps it would be harsh to judge her on this one thing alone. How honest would you say she has been with you over the past six months generally? If you feel this is one of many times you have caught her out, perhaps your gut feeling is right to end the relationship. But if in general you have trusted and believed her, then maybe this relationship has a future, but there is some groundwork to be done for the two of you in terms of the importance of honesty in the future.